Why Me, Why This, Why Now

My name is Amy and I am starting a blog.

I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a lover and a friend. 

I have almost completed 5 decades on this planet.

I am a small town girl and at the same time a grown ass woman in the city. 

I am the mother of a biracial daughter.

I am an educator, a writer, a poet, a creative, an empath, a nurturer, a wannabe fixer and a an overthinker

I am a straight white Christian woman trying to reflect on the difference between what I was taught growing up and what I have learned and experienced myself about God in hopes of not being an asshole to the world. 

I am a cancer warrior, and that consumes much of my time and energy as of late. 

I am someone and no one at the same time. 

By nature, I am a writer. I have written all kinds of things from a very early age. Poetry, stories, journals, blog posts, the outline of a book are examples of how writing invades my life and won't leave me alone. I think about writing all the time, and they say if you think about doing something all the time, that's who you are. I don't know if that is true, I just know that I spend some of each of my day drafting things I would like to write in my head, and sometimes out loud.

My problem with writing is the same reason why I have chosen to write yet another blog. Yes, I have written dozens of blog post before, just never anything exclusively personal. Most of everything I have published has been professional, and my attempts to get into the personal have failed because I have been afraid of saying what is really on my mind. I start out ready to dive head first into whatever it is that is plaguing my brain or haunting my spirit, and just as I reach the cliff edge of the matter, a sort of mental vertigo dizzies me and I shy away from the edge afraid of what saying the things that would free me in effort to protect someone else. I am constantly sacrificing my freedom for someone else's benefit. This blog, this time, is my challenge to myself to unravel the emotions, the trauma, the history, the issues that tangle inside of me to get to my own truth and to walk into whatever is next in my life fearless and unashamed. 

I want to finally live unapologetically me.

I know there are a host of "woke" people out there who say things like, "Girl, do you!" or "Don't take that shit!" or "Don't shrink." They say those things like that's how they live and they have mastered this wizardry, but... I don't buy it. At least not 100%. That shit is hard. The advice is good, but are they really, truly living as rawly and as woke as they tell me I should live? Or, do we all have someone or something we protect from our truths? To be honest, I think we are all trapped somewhere between these things:

We avoid doing and saying the things that make us the most authentic versions of ourselves out of fear of disappointing someone or making someone mad, then tell ourselves we don't really feel that way or that we don't really care about those things that much. 

OR

We spend our lives apologizing in some way or another for who we are and what we feel because we doubt our own worth.

Or we do a little of both.

But... how can I have the fearless life I crave if I can't even be honest with myself on paper?

That's the point of this whole thing.

Fighting cancer is showing me how I really feel about myself. Shit. Even as I write that line my eyes well up with tears because it is the most true thing I have said about myself so far. I haven't even begun to verbalize what I feel about me and I already want to cry. I am learning that what we do is a direct reflection of what we feel about ourselves. Let me show you what I mean...

• I frame my thoughts with apologies because I doubt the value of my own insight and experience.
• I don't ask for the help I need because I think I am a burden to my circle of support.
• I indirectly am always asking permission to care for and love people because I fear I am not needed in those ways.
• I deny my own pain and struggle because I tell myself my experience isn't as bad as someone else's.
• I withhold affection that I want to give because I am afraid it isn't wanted.
• I don't call and invite my people to do things because I tell myself they don't have time in their busy lives for me.
• I try not to need anyone because I learned long ago that my needing help is disappointing and comes with some form of punishment.
• I am so busy fighting these narratives in my head in the moment that I often don't savor the moment I am in because I feel I can't trust what I am seeing or experiencing in the present is real.

Dealing with this damned disease during a pandemic is making me to spend way too much time alone, but is also forcing me to look hard at why I do what I do. The weight of this battle with cancer is surreal. The physical is hard enough, but it drains me mentally so I have less to offer in that way, too and all of that upsets me emotionally. Then, the emotional can sometimes throw me into a tailspin. It is vicious, but it is also very much like the purification of gold. You may think I am sequestered away in my quiet little home coping, resting and trying to heal, and to some degree that is true. Mostly, I am being melted and kept simmering over a low heat as I try to manage side effects of treatment that make me perpetually uncomfortable, tired, ill or struggling to sleep peacefully. In that state of discomfort or insomnia is a space where I have to face all the things I am going through, health or otherwise, and stare them down to find out why they hurt me and ponder how I can be free of them for good.

Why this? Because I need somewhere I can empty my brain and cleanse my heart.

Why now? Because my life is turned upside down at a time I didn't get to pick.

This is for me. I am going to blog for me. If it speaks to anyone else, that's a bonus.

Time to pull some things loose.